12-8-24

This evening, a friend and I were discussing events from our recent pasts. We talked about what we feel are our next steps for moving forward, honoring what happened, and processing the emotions that are still present.

At one point, I said that I still feel a lot of pain, and even anger, about the school where I worked in Durham, where I was mistreated by multiple members of the administration. The thought regularly crosses my mind that if that job had not been taken from me, I would never have had to leave Durham. I wouldn’t have had to go through everything else I had to go through in the past year and a half, which all feels "pointless". Or so I thought, until those words passed my lips.

As soon as I spoke them aloud, my mind and heart did a double take.

Has it all been pointless?

Nothing but a waste of time and energy?

No.

Not a single moment was a mistake.

         If my Durham job had not ended, I wouldn’t have gone to England. I wouldn’t have dead-headed roses that smelled like my favorite color. I wouldn’t have eaten blackberries along the river walk on the outskirts of Nottingham.

            I wouldn’t have been able to do more writing than I’ve done in years.

            I wouldn’t have been home to help when my dad got sick.

            I wouldn’t have had yoga just down the street, that got me out of my bed and out of my head.

            I wouldn’t have gotten up close and personal with the park I begged my parents to take me to all through my childhood, only to now be able to see from our front porch.

            I wouldn’t have had the terrible and sacred time to sink into the ache of healing.

            I wouldn’t have met so many beautiful friends, and reconnected with others.

            I wouldn’t have had the experience of living in another new town.

            I wouldn’t have watched sunsets over the miles and miles of mountains.

            I wouldn’t have hiked the Monticello trails all fall.

            I wouldn’t have seen my resilience continue to astound me.

            I wouldn’t have been able to discover the little nooks and crannies of my self that I have discovered even in the past months.

            I wouldn’t have had any of those experiences or things or memories or people or scars to continue to make up who I am as a person.

            And I wouldn’t have been able to bring all of those things back to Durham with me.

            So maybe it all makes sense.

            Had I just stayed in Durham, had I just dealt with the heartache that I had there, while remaining there, I would not be that much deeper and broader of a person.

            If I were to have had to process losing those people, and then keep on working at a job I knew I was burned out from, in a toxic and stressful environment, I would not be the person I currently am, who I am sure is not as broad and deep of a person as I will be next week, next month, next year.

            2024 was the darkest, most painful year of my life, and I kind of look forward to it being over in the next few weeks.

            But I have gratitude for the experiences. And I would not change a single thing.