On Facing Some Fear

I am one to face my fears, because the only thing scarier than the thing you fear, is the thought that your fear might limit your life. I do my best to walk towards, not away, from the things that scare me. So I am no stranger to facing fear head-on. However, there is nothing like facing the fear that one is, well, broken.

This blog is the most candid thing I do on the internet, and yet I still hold back a lot, because after all, it's public. Yet the people who have inspired me most in life (writers, artists, friends, family...) are the ones who have been the most vulnerable and open. They remind me, through their own divulgences, that I am not alone, and they often put words to experiences I have had but feel at a frustrating lack of how to describe. So I will be as brave as I can in sharing some of the transformative, healing moments from last month.

For years, I have let my insecurity propel me towards all manner of self-help books, podcasts, authors, gurus, etc. I operated under this assumption that if I could just read the right book, follow the right protocol, find the right type of therapy, adopt the right mindset, etc. etc., then I would, oh, I dunno, feel better? Fix myself? Be okay? Be good? Live well? Free myself from suffering?

I don't want to admit it. But it's true. I thought there was a correct...something. I thought life was like a game, and I just needed to stumble upon the right instructions. You name it, I tried it. Well-known authors, spiritual teachers, prominent figures both living and deceased. I read 'em all. Well, maybe not all. But many.

I once did this with food. I thought that the right, or even perfect diet, would be the solution to all of my problems. I thought that if I cut this thing out, added this thing in, avoided that one at all costs, so on and so forth, then I would somehow be able to evade any and every physical ailment known to humankind. I would spend hours in the nutrition section of bookstores and libraries, checking out the latest book on health or nutrition, knowing I'd read it all already, but maybe this brand new one is the one that will fix everything because it sounds so promising and the author seems so confident and yes this will solve all my problems!

I tried all the diets. Vegetarian. Vegan. Macrobiotic. On and on. Until I couldn't even drink almond milk, eat sprouted bread, enjoy a slice of cheese. Until my diet was so extreme that I gave myself some very severe health issues. Health issues I didn't even have to begin with. So I stopped, and allowed myself to be human again. To eat bread. Pillsbury orange rolls. Thin mints. And my health issues went away.

It took me a little while to realize that when I stopped doing that with physical health books, I just began doing it with mental health ones instead. I was still addicted to the somehow comforting belief that there was something wrong with me, and when I fixed it, I would be okay. I realized what I was doing at some point last year, and I unsubscribed to all of the self-help podcasts, donated the books, and became very choosy about therapists, leaving immediatly if something did not feel right. All of this was very helpful. I was on the right track.

But the root of all of this, all of it, was still inside of me, and it took until about a month ago to dig in and rip it out for good. It took the culmination of so much sorrow and confusion, a lifetime of being misunderstood and unseen, which did exacerbate my fear that I was somehow broken. And it took speaking all of the poison out loud, every last sick fear that I had this diagnosis or that, that maybe I should be on medication, that there were just many things that were so very wrong with me. I had a safe place and a safe witness to do this with, to which I am extremely grateful. I let it all pour out of me, and even though it was painful and I shook with shame, I kept going until I was sure every last thought that had ever banged around in my head had left my brain and come out through my mouth. Then I went to bed.

And in the morning, I felt like a new person. I felt raw and clean and...very okay. I felt an assurance and confidence I've never felt before, a joyful understanding that there is nothing wrong with me. That I don't need anyone outside of my own heart to tell me the truths about me and about life.

Ever since then, I have been in love with myself. I mean that in a very non-egotistical way. It's the fullness of a feeling I've been experiencing tiny glimmers of my whole life, but only in the most fleeting moments, until now. It's the most wonderful feeling, and everyone deserves to feel it continuously. To know there is nothing wrong with them and they don't need to be fixed. I strongly believe that if we all had a safe person to witness our scariest fears about ourselves, we wouldn't need all this extraneous stuff. We have the love and the wisdom within. At least, that is my truth. And I am in peaceful, joyful love with the truth that was inside of me all along, just temporarily covered up by fear and shame.

Johnston Mill Nature Preserve, 2020